Notes on “The Anatomy of Peace”
May 20, 2017
“But there was a new feeling this night — a desire to be rid of the ache he felt regarding Cory rather than a desire to be rid of Cory himself.”
This was one of the first thoughts of one of the main characters of “The Anatomy of Peace.” That excerpt captures the emotional awareness of the parents of troubled kids at a youth correctional camp in Arizona. Lou is the military veteran officer, entrepreneur-turned-executive high-performer who can’t understand why his son, Cory, is a drug-addicted failure in life. The new feeling Lou felt for his son was no longer a growing hatred, but instead a growing empathy.
This book approaches self-improvement a little less conventinally. Rather than simply presenting good principles, it demonstrates it through characters and their interactions with one another. It uses these characters as they struggle facing the reality that they’re not very good at succeeding in life. They struggle with peace and they are all stuck in unhealthy emotinoal states. But most importantly, because they are stuck in their own personal boxes of emotional struggle, battling various emotional wars, the lives of their children and co-workers have taken all the damage as a result of those battles.
“I’ve been hating you Lou…blaming you in all kinds of suttle ways…Have I dutifully performed the household work? Yes. But that’s just a behavior, don’t you see? Everytime I’ve cleaned the house, I think I’ve buried myself a level deeper in self-pity. And I have spent years now feeling guilty for not feeling about you the way I know I should.”
“Most wars between individuals are of the ‘Cold’ rather than the ‘Hot’ variety — lingering resentment, for example, grudges long held, resources clutched to rather than shared, help not offered. These are the acts of war that most threaten our homes and workplaces.”
“We must find our own out-of-the-box place. We must learn to see others experiences. We must see others as people and not objects. What is it that will break us away from our justifications for self pity and conflict.”
One character asks, “Thinking that others need to change is already a problem, right?” To which the instructor replies “Do you think it’s a problem that you want your [problem child] to change?” The parents of the child agree it’s not a problem and understand his life would be a mess if he didn’t change. The instructor sets up the perspective from another frame of reference. “What would be a problem is to insist that others need to change while being unwilling to consider how we ourselves might need to change, too. That would be a problem.”
What makes this perspective useful is framing our relationships with others from less of a reactionary, “that person is the problem” situation and more to a “That person is making things difficult but I can interact and do something about it by starting with myself” situation.
This book has been an interesting quest in understanding difficult interactions with people that surround me. There are times when I’ve been tempted to “war” with others over something. It’s lazy to think that “correcting” others is the way to resolving a problem. Even instructing people and teaching isn’t necessarily the best course of action. Rather, it’s such a small investment of time compared to what actually makes a difference.
At the very end of the book they spent a relatively small amount of time with their “tool set” to becoming more peaceful. Most of the book spends time discussing and demonstrating via character interactions and backgrounds how we can become more peaceful with each other in our families, workplaces, and even geo-political relationships.
They provide a pyramid demostrating the time allocation or mental thought that ought to be invested on different elements leading to peace. Investing in our own selves, becoming peaceful, and recognizing our own emotions is the primary factor and should consume the most of our efforts. The following spaces are investing in and building relationships. Not only with those whom we first seek peace, but also the secondary and tertiary people who influence the first. Even relationship attributes like listening, communication, or teaching should be an proportionately smaller amount of our efforts to what we spend on our own emotional intelligence and relationships with others.
I’ve read this book in little bits over a period of days and weeks, reflecting on each bit I had read. There were opportunities are work I had to seriously step back and think about what I was about to do. I was ready to battle with a co-worker over something that, in hindsight, was very manageable. I reflected over my own emotional state and reacted differently. I knew how I should deal with it and proceeded in a peaceful loving manner.
I’ve observed different bosses who I can see were so wound up in their own world that they project fights and battles to compensate for their own emotional inadequacies. It’s easier dealing with those who want to pick fights and battle when you can observe their own emotional boxes of insecurities. Electing to avoid those unhealthy interactions and instead move on has really helped avoid unnecessary struggles. These are due to my own introspection and handle over my own emotional needs.
All the tips in the book mesh with other good principles in fields like Marketing and Design. Seeing others as people with their own situations is very helpful. These are all the great kinds of philosophies I’ve utilized when filling customer service or technical support roles in previous positions. These are the philosophies that help with product/service development. Seeing others as important and their desires as legitimate is how we demonstrate empathy. When we demonstrate empathy (which is a design principle), we produce useful, effective tools for the people we serve. I believe that through our own emotional awareness, building relationships, and demonstrating empathy are conduits for peace and prosperity. This can be done at the work place and through the businesses and services we offer the world.